A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.
-Author Unknown
So very early on it was hard for me to believe that I was truly pregnant until that first ultrasound at 10 weeks. Even then I could only watch the heartbeat and see the baby inside of me moving around, with awe and disbelief. This blessing, this baby, is such a miracle. It is something I have wanted for so long, and for many years had to face the reality that it just might not happen for me.
Now, 18 weeks and 3 days into this pregnancy, its a different kind of awe and amazement I feel. I think I have felt baby moving twice now, quick light flutters. I never understood the saying "butterflies in my stomach" until now. I keep waiting to feel it more and really be sure it is the baby and not gas :)
I also find myself worrying more about what kind of mom I will be, how I will handle things, before I worried more about carrying to term and birth defects, etc. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about those too, but my worries have such increased and now include what happens when Baby Earl is born. I have decided, as for now, that to be the kind of mom that I want to be, that my mom raised me to be, I need to stay here in my home, with my job and really try to do this on my own. I am pretty darn independant, and have lived in this area now for fourteen years, moving back home with my folks (although I am so very grateful and feel fortunate to have that option), I feel should be my back up plan and not my go to plan. Especially if Earl is really a girl, (aka Earlina, per Snookie) I want to teach her to be strong and independant too. Of course I want to be closer to my parents and Bear & his family, I would love for Baby Earl to grow up close to Silas and the twins, and I know Tif would be so awesome to have at my side through this. But I have a good job, a great support network here of close friends and family; Auntie Sandy & Uncle Dann have always been at my side in a moments notice since I started at Seattle U - through multiple moves, court appointments, surgeries, you name it. I don't want to just walk away from the life I have built here, it wouldn't be fair to me or Baby Earl. And its not that I would feel ashamed or like a failure if I do move back to Spokane, even if I move in with my folks, I just don't want to regret not trying to make it work here on my own; just me and baby. Plus, I know that Mom, Dad, Bear, Tif, all of the family will be supportive no matter the distance or where we live.
But who knows what will happen once Baby Earl is in my arms. I just know I want to do what is best for her. This baby has changed my life, and looking back on the lifestyle I was leading before maybe she even saved me. What I do know for sure, is this baby is truly a blessing.
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