Anyone who has been in public with Peyton knows how much attention she gets - the comments on her beauty, her smile, she definitely has no lack of social skills. Peyton has been sleeping through the night since she was 7 weeks old - a habit she started on her own, she is always happy and "talks" non-stop. I am always bragging what a good baby she is, how she makes life so easy on me and it is no arguing she is just genuinely a wonderful baby. So at the appointment when the doctor said she had a concern, needless to say I was first shocked then scared.
I think this is the hardest part of being a single parent - getting news that something may be wrong, because you are all alone and have to be strong,you can't fall apart and you are the only one there to listen to the doctor, you have to pay attention though your mind and heart are now racing. Peyton's doctor is concerned she may have low muscle tone - this could effect her gross motor skill development and she may need physical therapy. So I held it together and stayed positive, albeit quiet and worried, until I talked to my mom - then the tears fell and I fell apart a little, though of course not in front of Peyton she was sleeping like an angel (as she does almost daily from noon to 2!). So what does this mean? Do I hold her too much? Do we not do enough tummy time? I thought for sure it was my fault - but when I asked the doctor those questions she said it wasn't and that it was better for Peyton to be evaluated right away and get her help now if she needs it so that she is sitting, crawling and walking on-time.
It was scary to hear the news, and of course I called immediately to get her an evaluation, then called my mom. Thank goodness for my mom, we talk everyday and she is always available and also I am so very thankful for my Auntie Sandy, who we spent the weekend with and said immediately without hesitation "When is the appointment? I will go with you." We are all praying the doctor is wrong and is erring on the side of caution. Peyton seems to not fit the symptoms of low muscle tone that I have read about, so we are staying positive and hoping that if Peyton does have this condition, even in the slightest, that all she will require is simply some short-term physical therapy to get on track.
It can be easy though to think of the what-ifs and it is super easy to read the endless amount of information on the web which can be quite disheartening. But in the end I know these 3 things: Number one is that my daughter is healthy, she is happy, and she is well loved, number two is that my family is amazing and we are not alone, not alone in our joy or our struggles, and number three I know that God will not give me more than I can handle.
So after a few tears with my mom and with Aunty Sandy, and their repeated assurance that I am doing right by Peyton, that she will be alright and that we are in this together I am feeling more confident about the evaluation. I only wish that we did not have to wait a whole week (we go on Monday, January 24th).
Lately I have been somewhat struggling with the adjustment that mommyhood has had on my own personal life, but this sure does put those feelings in perspective. It has been a huge change in my life to have Peyton, one that I love but I had no idea how many friends I would lose in becoming a mom. Sure the party friends were bound to lose touch because my party days over, thank you God. But surprisingly I have even fewer true friends in my life than I realized. I mean I know my life has changed but I am still the same person, same sense of humor, same values just no alcohol. Sure I take responsibility for my part, I could try harder to make plans to go shopping or hang out with people, but many of my friends do not have children and therefor do not understand that I cannot just drop everything for a last minute get-together or that I would prefer to do something that involves Peyton over getting a sitter so I could do something 21+. But I am not the type to sit and feel sorry for myself or to let others get me down, so Peyton and I are going to attend a mommy and me class at The Little Gym (yay!) and a new church in our neighborhood, plus we always have our Breidenbachs that are less than an hour away! Honestly now having this condition that Peyton may possibly have looming over me, I feel silly for being sad about this change in the first place or at all, because really it is those people that are missing out on Peyton. And I only want people in our lives that understand as a parent she is my first priority, people that want to spend time with both of us. I guess my point is that it just would have been nice if even one of the books or magazines I read in the last year would have mentioned that when you become a mom you may lose some or all of your friends from your pre-baby life. But again, how silly and selfish of me to feel bad about this when I have so much to be thankful for. Honestly, I am excited to meet new people and make new friends who share my values and priorities. Again this is such a non-issue though because whether Peyton has hypotonia or not - I really am blessed and I love my life.
Now to focus on the positive: Peyton is amazing! She is almost sitting up on her own, she loves to talk and she laughs all the time. Financially we are doing well, we have a warm home, she has lots of nice & pretty clothes, we are both generally healthy and if Peyton does need physical therapy she has the insurance to get all the medical attention she needs, plus we get to spend alot of time with our loving family. In fact we are counting down the days to our next trip to Spokane on Superbowl weekend! This last weekend Peyton got to go to her first basketball game (Go Ty-Ty!) - she LOVED it! Peyton eats well, her eyes are turning more green with flecks of brown, her hair though thin in areas is still plentiful and beautiful. Peyton is so loving, happy and easy to take care of, she enjoys walking in her stroller with mommy -outside or in the mall, she loves to play with her toys more and more and she just continues to be the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. We are blessed! And I know that together we will get through whatever comes our way!
